The 53 Worst Modern Musicians

These bozos really think they know music.

Music. We all know what it is. It’s a part of our lives. Some of it is good, a lot of it is bad. One of my favorite articles ever written was by the staff at Noisey, cataloguing 123 of the worst musicians of all time. It’s safe to say, there are some real soup sandwiches on that list. Many people who have had little to no contribution to the progression of music as an art form.. Knuckleheads like Prince, Elton John, Bob Dylan and Blondie all make an appearance on this list of straight D students at the music learners academy (D standing for dumpster fire).

My only problem with that list is that it is over five years old now, and there are so many more modern *large exagerated air quotes* “musicians” that have popped up since. So I went ahead and made a little list for you, the reader, so you can avoid these frauds and phonies at all costs. I’d encourage you to take a look at Noisey’s article first before you go on. Stay far away from these artists, they’re no Godsmack.

The 123 Worst Musicians of All Time

100 GECS

Whenever you show your parents any music that isn’t like… the Eagles or something, this is what they hear.

THE 1975

Matty Healy on stage is a great representation of what their fans’ alcoholic fathers could have been had they not had them and started working for Chrysler in Akron.

A$AP ROCKY

Like the third best rapper of A$AP Mob. All his music has shown me is that if you’re going to make music about your drugged out lifestyle, be ugly. Ugly people make waaaaay better music about drugs.

AESOP ROCK

Wait, this isn’t the first dude?

AMERICAN FOOTBALL

Math rock? More like crap rock, you fucking dorks.

ARCTIC MONKEYS / DEATH RAMPS

Arctic Monkeys makes music that you pretended to like to gain followers on Tumblr. A great conversation piece if you wanted to try and flirt with a girl who had a nose ring and wore black nail polish, but not groom her like Alex Turner.

BASSNECTAR

All of the girls who go to Bassnectar shows are smoking hot. Despite all of the molly and coke they do at those shows, no matter how much free love they claim to give or how hard you try, they will still never want to fuck you.

BEACH HOUSE

I like shoegaze as much as the next guy, but Beach House just sounds like someone pushed Victoria LaGrande down an endless well filled with guitar pedals, covered by an autotuned screen.

BLACK COUNTRY, NEW ROAD / HMLTD (HAPPY MEAL LIMITED)

We only need one London based band that solely puts out soliloquies over alternative guitar chords. Pick your poison.

BLACK MIDI

I’d rather be listening to black midi than listening to black midi, to tell you the truth. I feel like I’m having a panic attack.

PHOEBE BRIDGERS

Losing four Grammy’s in one year has gotta suuuuuuuck.

BROCKHAMPTON

How many members are there? Eight? Fifteen? Twenty-three? Is this a ska band? It’s a rap group? Wait, they’re all GAY?

CAR SEAT HEADREST

Will Toledo is second only to Viper when it comes to putting songs from past albums onto new releases. I guess when pre-pubescent squeals about pissing your pants and hating your dad are all you’ve got means you need to reuse some material.

THE CHATS

Who knew a song about jacking off in the back of a pick-up would shoot a band to stardom. The Chats just remind me that a majority of Australia is just a hotter version of central Pennsylvania. Appalachian genes run deep down under. It’s o-roight mate, hav’a Fosters!

CHILDISH GAMBINO

I don’t care if you make socially conscious R&B, nobody should be THAT obsessed with asian women. You and Rivers Cuomo need to go join the Libertarian Guys with Asian Wives Facebook group or sort some things out by talking to a professional.

DENZEL CURRY

If you like raps about Yu-Gi-Oh cards and pyramids and shit, Denzel Curry is your guy.

DANNY BROWN

Detroit’s own waving inflatable arm-flailing tube man makes music for suburban edge-lords and juggalos.

DEATH GRIPS

Hey younger self, you’re trying to get laid right? Here is a good tip: Maybe don’t mention Death Grips when you’re on a date and unprepared to be laughed at. I know MC Ride sounds sPoOkY and ANGRY (AAGGGHHH SO ANGRY), and has given you an outlet for your teenage aggression. Keep that to yourself, because girls aren’t interested in you being a fan of the dystopian, apocalyptic, occult themes that Stefan and the boys put out. It’s going to lead to you remaining a virgin for some time. So if you want to at least kiss a girl before college, maybe keep the YUH!’s to a minimum.

MAC DEMARCO

This dude inspired a whole generation of young men to embrace being a slob. They covered their dad’s old windbreakers in cigarette ash and PBR while talking like a 1950’s soda jerk attempting to pick up chicks.

LANA DEL REY

Like Lana, her fans all start out wanting to resemble Lolita-esque figures with dreams of seducing older, powerful men, and forbidden romance, looked down upon by the core of society. However, the tend to end up like her too, confused about the turmoil surrounding today’s political landscape, and married to a police officer.

DON CABALLERO

“… yeah they’re math rock band with the house on the album cover. … no, no, the other one.”

FATHER JOHN MISTY

This human-IPA’s only talent is being a self-absorbed ass hat.

FUTURE

I prefer thinking about and living in the now, thanks.

GHOST

The face paint, masks and lyrics about Satan are no cover for the fact that Ghost looks and sounds like a mystical phantom band that haunts an amusement park in a Goosebumps chapter book.

GRIMES

እንዴት ቀልጣፋ ኮሚኒስት ከመሆንዎ በፊት በምድር ላይ በጣም ሀብታም የሆነውን ሰው ለማግባት ይሄዳሉ? ደደብ ቢፕ-ቡፕ ሙዚቃ ከማሰማት እና ሰላም ወዳድ ከመሆን ወደ ልጅዎ በተዋጊ አውሮፕላን ስም እስከ መሰየም ይሄዳሉ።

GUCCI MANE

Youngboy better.

IDLES

The working class scumbags currently at the top of the working class scumbag dog pile. Deemed not blue collar enough by contemporaries such as Sleaford Mods and Fat White Family, they are too working class for anyone with at least a portion of a university education that doesn’t involve liberal arts.

THE KILLERS

Their music has been adopted by drunks in all facets of the English speaking society. College students, British football hooligans, and suburban partygoers have chewed up and spit out “Mr. Brightside” time and time-again, cementing the song as the anthem of the plastered. All sung by a man fitting to receive the oxymoronic title of “coolest Mormon.”

KING KRULE

Interestingly, you can use a common synonym to describe both the artist King Krule, as well as the music he puts out: malnourished.

KENDRICK LAMAR

Dude… a LOT of people grew up in Compton.

LORDE

The only person who takes longer to release music is Dr. Dre.

JOHN MAYER

We get it man, you love Japanese streetwear and the Dead and you fucking shred on guitar. But we already have Eric Clapton, so get back to playing the songs that make suburban moms wet.

JPEGMAFIA

Shit man, I’d be mad if I went into the Air Force too.

MF DOOM

Rapper known to be the favorite of thirty year old dudes who wear superhero t-shirts.

KACEY MUSGRAVES

There hasn’t been this much gay interest in country music since the Dixie Chicks.

NAILS

A Nails show is just you getting constantly socked by thick-necked dudes in Napalm Death t-shirts, while a slow motion recording of an airplane toilet flushing plays over the loud speakers for an hour and a half.

FRANK OCEAN

Known as “the guy who has that verse on ‘Oldie’ that circulates on Twitter four times a week.”

ORVILLE PECK

Peck infuriates me because even though he wears a mask that covers half his face all the time, we all still can tell that he’s really handsome. Way to rub it in, jerk.

PROTOMARTYR

Your history teacher made a post-punk band to air his grievances about the teachers union deciding not to vote on repaving the staff parking lot. Solidarity comrade!

RAMMSTEIN

Sweaty, leathered up muscular men in make-up. Wow, real original Germany, reeeaall original.

SHAME

What kind of band names a song “Gold Hole?” Ew.

STURGILL SIMPSON

Bringing back honkey socialism to the mainstream, Simpson is a great conversation topic for your late-nite drunken endeavors to the Waffle House as you loudly order eggs and bacon at a waitress who is making $9.50 an hour.

SKEPTA

Hehe, British accent sound funny.

SLIPKNOT

GWAR has better costumes and hates their parents less.

SPOON

Silicon Valley’s favorite alternative rock band.

VINCE STAPLES

Vince Staples came onto the scene because rap was lacking a cynic. Loved by many in the industry, this snarky little guy has a backhanded comment about everything. What a rascal!

SUFJAN STEVENS

Yes, Sufjan, you SHOULD have known better. Now SPEAK UP! YOUR GERIATRIC AUDIENCE CANT HEAR YOU WHEN YOU WHISPER.

HARRY STYLES

By far the most successful member of the former One Directon, Styles has released two records and is the face of Alessandro Michele’s Gucci. A man with that resumé still seems to blow it with supermodel after supermodel, get your game up Harry.

TAME IMPALA

Kevin Parker plays like eight different instruments and does all of his production, he’s immensely talented. Too bad over the past fifteen years he has just made eighty different versions of the same song over and over.

TYLER, THE CREATOR

He came out of the closet and everyone forgot about all of the songs about rape from the early 2010’s.

VAMPIRE WEEKEND

If your old cricket sweater became sentient, the first thing it would do is go to Columbia U and start a band with two guys named Chris. It would learn to play the jungle drums and then form Vampire Weekend. They would make three bad albums and one really bad album.

VIAGRA BOYS

Roughly the musical equivalent of a deranged panhandler. Every song is sung by a personified pack of Pall Mall’s covered in back sweat who won’t shut up about dogs and shrimp. And they say that Sweden produces nothing but great things, psssh.

THE WAR ON DRUGS

That Richard Nixon guy was kind of a dirtbag, dontcha think?